Full Circle

Well, shit. We did it. I don't know about you, but I feel a little worse for wear (is that a phrase?).  Between the strike and the most challenging year of my personal life, I feel... tired. But, man,  having a deal sure makes things look a little brighter. Thank you to the incredible SAG/AFTRA negotiating committee, the strike captains, and everyone who supported and picketed. 

I NEVER do this, and honestly, I feel a little exposed, but I had a career experience last year that I can finally talk about that has helped me keep the faith through the previous year's rollercoaster. 

Last year, I got to work on the new Steven Soderbergh show Full Circle, and I even received the career first of making the cutting room floor (a true milestone).  Steven (Mr. Sodebergh?) spent some of his early career at LSU. I also went to grad school there. Backstage at the Riley Theatre, there is a poster of him, and every time I would make a stage-right entrance, I would see it. His youthful ponytail is emblazoned in my mind. I remember having a giant meltdown right before my last show while looking at that poster. Thinking- "I'll never get to work with someone like him."  Quietly sobbing and snotting. Thinking about it now makes me laugh and cringe. (I wonder if that is how Mr. Steven’s ponytail makes him feel?)  Bless our twenty-year-old hearts. I want to reach back in time and whisper - "Chin up, drama queen, because, guess what?"

Full 👏🏽 Circle 👏🏽 

But my youthful angst is not the most impactful moment of this experience. Instead, it involves my partner Tom's wonderful mother, Josephine. Josephine passed last September, four days before I was set to film. 

Acting has always been the most significant thing in my life. I never wanted anything more, and most of the time, I was willing to give up so much to carve out this career for myself. In undergrad, we had a working professional come in and talk about life, and the only thing he said that sticks with me was, “You gonna miss weddings and funerals for this job. And you have to decide if you are okay with that”. At eighteen, I thought I was. When I booked the Full Circle, I was originally supposed to be headed to a wedding the weekend before. But, because of the fear of catching Covid, I sent my regrets to the wonderful bride. 

So I was willing to miss a wedding. But Jo’s death was a different experience. I never wanted a job less in my life. Nothing seemed more important than being in Warwick with Tom. I even called my agent, and scared her with the "I'm not sure I can do this" call. But, ultimately, with the encouragement of Tom and his family, I packed my bag and, with heavy boots, headed back to New York. I cried the whole bus ride.  I only made it to the set the following day because of two people. One, the COVID officer came out to my house at 9 p.m. to test me the night before so I could stay in Warick as late as possible. And two,  my darling friend, Katie, picked me up and drove me to set at 7 a.m.  She also insisted we sing Disney songs of our lungs to keep the 'vibes' high. The love of women. Is there anything like it?

The kindness of strangers and the gift of a best friend could be enough magic, but there is more... When I got to set, I called Tom to check in, and while we were talking, my shooting location came up. Somewhere in the middle of Queens. A place that seemed like just an annoyance to me - too far away- to early call time (Thank you again, Katie). Tom gently said, "That's where mom grew up." I was filming blocks from where Josephine grew up of all the places in all the burrows. I had landed just a short walk from the area that raised her. If that isn't serendipity or magic, I don't know what is.

Full 👏🏽 fucking 👏🏽 Circle 👏🏽.

It was a great day on set. Everyone was gracious and lovely. My brain is a little fuzzy, and I am SO sorry I had forgotten the name of the kindest HMU lady who fanned away my tears, covered my eye bags, and shared a story about being on set when her mother passed. I was too shy to tell Mr. Steven Sodebergh that we both went to LSU. He was so kind and gracious that I think he knew we were kindred tigers. That's legit, right? Eh, it's my story. I'll stick to the delusion

 The next day, I got back on the bus and returned to Warwick. I didn’t have to miss funerals. And, that tiny day it helped me look for the glimmers of miracles for the rest of the year. With every devastation, heartbreak, and trial, I could spot the serendipity, the kindness of strangers, and the love of my community, and it's the only way I have gotten through. 

I want to tie this all up in a neat little bow. It’s hard to do when talking about something that feels bigger than me. Maybe the bow is this: I am not sure I am willing to give up weddings and funerals anymore because I can’t make art without the support of the people I love. But I am immensely grateful that I am on the rocky path because it’s helped me see the sparkles in the darkest time. 

Love you. I hope you are doing okay. Can’t wait to start working again soon.